Thursday, October 27, 2016

Walking Rain Sesshin 2010

In late September twenty seven people gathered at Mountain Lamp for Three Treasures’ annual Walking Rain sesshin. Students from three countries and many Sanghas traveled far for this week of collective, intensive zazen. This was our second full sesshin up in the valley, and our first since the passing of our Dharma grandfather, Aitken Roshi, in August.  His presence was keenly felt, and evoked by a beautiful calligraphy and poem by Thich Nhat Hanh, which adorned the altar.

We convened Friday night, and after introductions did zazen amidst strong mountain winds. I was fortunate to serve as dokusan attendant, or jisha, and my old partner in mischief Nils served as jikijistsu. As we closed up the dojo for that first night, he whispered to me, “doesn’t this seem like Palolo?”  In the infinite rustle of trees that night, and with a heightened sense of Aitken Roshi’s presence, I told him that I sensed it too.  

Since most of the participants were old hands, our zazen settled quickly. The rains came in, first hard and then soft, and briefly clearing at times in the traveling of days. We inaugurated a new honorific for the recitation of the Ancestral Line. As Jack is Dharma holder of the lay lineage of Aitken Roshi and his teacher Ko’un Yamada Roshi, the epithet “Dai Osho”, associated with the priesthood, was replaced with “Dai Busso”, Great Buddha, a pointer to awakening beyond distinctions of laity and clergy.

Blocks, and days, of zazen passed, and all the while the participants actualized the harmony of shared activity, moving increasingly with grace and precision as the forms of sesshin held us. It seemed to me a great gift to be permitted to escort my Dharma sisters and brothers to dokusan, and I found myself inwardly rooting for the next person to get in before the block of sitting ended.

By Friday, the rains had gone and sun burned hot over the valley mists. Jack presented his last teisho for this sesshin, an exposition of Dogen’s Genjo Koan. Finishing his talk, he quoted our Old Boss :

“The wind of the Buddha House,
the practice of zazen
and going beyond realization
Is altogether in accord
With the wind of the Universe”

As tears welled in my eyes, and in the eyes of others, the vanished wind, unheard since last weekend, at once rose up. The echoing “goRAWK!” of ravens in the valley called us back to our kinhin and cushions. The sesshin moved on, and finished the next day. As usual, I wondered how best to carry forward the sacred intimacy we had diligently cultivated. I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t have to be, since I had great companions, good maps of the trail, and a grandfather; a jet-winged, keen eyed Raven calling still through dissolving, and clearing, mountain mist. 

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Zen and Intensive Dynamic Psychotherapy - a Wayward Endorsement. 

I suppose I should start with a disclaimer – it is now fifteen years since these events have passed. In that time I have myself become a psychotherapist, and have continued Dharma practice in both Asia and the States. But I will try to write what I recall.

In my early twenties I began Zen practice at the Rochester Zen Center and several of its affiliates in the Midwest. At that time if a student wanted to study koan Zen the RZC affiliates in the Midwest were the only opportunity available for that, other than going to New York, California, or Hawaii.  This did not seem realistic for me, even though I was more drawn toward Robert Aitken’s writings than any other teacher’s. After a year of regular sesshin attendance I decided to move to the Rochester Center. My plan was to do an initial six month trial stay, and see how my practice matured. I also knew, from my friend John, that an intensive therapy was available to residents of the Center, via Deborah LeBeaux, an old center member practicing therapy at the Genessee Hospital. This was a significant part of my motivation to move to the center, as I had done about a year of supportive therapy which I did not find very useful.

Also of note is that two of the three group leaders in Madison made it clear – in a half-joking, but in retrospect passive aggressive way,that they expected me to become a Zen teacher. One of these people became a big part of my break with the Zen Center about a year later.

I moved to the Center in Sept 1991. From the first day I was annoyed by arbitrary and dreadful decorum, the rigidity of many of the leaders, and the way that any questioning of aspects of life at the Center were framed as character problems of the student, especially if the student had not passed Mu. I felt I was pressured into becoming the abbot’s student, and we were forbidden to even consider visiting other centers in the greater American sangha. It seemed mildly cultish, but I had made a commitment, and I intended to honor it. I tried to match the encouraged athleticism of the sangha, sitting with as few cushions as possible, often in excruciating pain.

Two incidences which I now consider highly dysfunctional stand out as I write this. The first is that the head of zendo (Lanny Ross) insisted that I obtain a NY driver’s license. He said the center’s auto insurance would refuse to add me to the policy without one. I told him I wanted to keep my Wisconsin license, since I intended to return there for possible graduate school. I also knew that one other resident had an out of state license, and he’d lived there for a year, and drove the center’s vehicles. One day as I exited the zendo Lanny confronted me. In an aggressive tone he said “where your NY driver’s license?”. I said I did not have one. He said “don’t drive any center vehicles” and stalked away. I new he was bullshitting me about the insurance issue, but his aggression left me shocked and angry. Later that day he said that my feelings about this constituted my “baggage”. “Put it down” he said. The second incident occurred when Mitra Bishop insisted I sit sesshin without a small pad I wished to insert into my zabuton. I sat with the pain but resented it.

In October, with my teacher’s support, I began STDP therapy. As I progressed with the treatment, I experienced intense rage at my mother, which I had previously internalized and directed against myself. I recall literally feeling that the right side of my brain had been opened to the world – the right side of my head actually hurt, in a way that was somehow almost pleasant. Debbie also was open at times, when not challenging me to experience affect, about her own experiences of the rigidity of the Rochester Center, particularly the assertion common there that those who had experienced kensho were psychologically mature. By March of 1992, after 5 months of weekly STDP, I was sure that I did not want or need to live at the Rochester Center to practice Zen. Six months of my trying to fit into the model there of a “good zen student”, along with the self-affirmation of all the years of internalized rage I was carrying, and needed to carry no longer, were starting to show me that I could continue Zen practice without an external rigid structure. After learning to trust my own affects – a little – I was also starting to trust the intuition that knew the punitive structures in place in Rochester were not useful, and were even damaging.

I moved back to Madison, and into the affiliate center there. On the surface I told myself that I intended to keep attending sesshin in Rochester, though part of me knew that this was unlikely. I began applying to the Peace Corps also, hoping they would send me to Nepal, where I had done a study abroad program. The group leader in Madison, who was also my employer that summer, took it upon himself to correct me on these beliefs. After many conflicts, he publicly denounced me as having a “big ego”, having failed in my efforts to gain kensho, and a slew of other accusations. He stated that his “level of attainment” justified this aggressive behavior, and asserted his right to act as Bodhin’s “representative”, given that I had “fled the pressure cooker”. I wrote to Bodhin, explaining that this man was not someone I would ever have as a teacher. Bodhin defended Lou, and said I should be grateful that he was trying to humiliate me. “The desert fathers paid people to humiliate them” he wrote. I reacted strongly, and in retrospect too intensely, though I am sure, because of the STDP I had done, of the difference between my feelings toward Lou and that portion of them that were actually about my parents. This allowed me to resign as Bodhin’s student with sadness, but a clear conscience, despite his final letter lamenting that I was “not ready for the teaching” that he and Lou had “offered”.

I joined the Peace Corps shortly thereafter. Lou, while acknowledging that I had been a diligent and skilled carpenter for his business, refused to write me a positive reference based on his interactions with me in the sangha. After returning from Nepal in 1995, I began zen practice with Robert Aitken and two of his dharma heirs, John Tarrant and, since 1998, Jack Duffy. I found the sitting in all of these groups rigorous, with none of the authoritarian dynamics I tried so hard to not see when I began sitting in Rochester. Recently I have started training as one of the zendo leaders in sesshin – I am surprised to find that I am sometimes able to hold the forms of sesshin with more ease than many in the zendo, and I certainly owe some of this to my time in Rochester. But I also realize that ultimately zen practice is about realizing and expressing who WE fully are, and not adhering to some outward form, and despising myself for not adequately manifesting it. STDP cleared the way for me to see that for myself in zazen, and though self-doubt and loathing still arise when I am on the cushion, I now greet them with gentleness and patience, instead of pushing them away out of anxiety. Aitken Roshi approved my passing of Mu in 1999 (though of course Mu is boundless), and while I consider this a milestone and am deeply grateful, I don’t think it means anything special in regards to my relationships within the sangha. The Diamond Sangha does not operate in this authoritarian manner, much to my relief.  While any intrapsychic changes that arose from my work in STDP took time to manifest, the clarity and courage I gained from it empowered me to leave a very unhealthy situation, and I remain grateful to my therapist and her teachers.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Notes on the Great Vows

In Zen practice we frequently chant "Shu Jo Mu Hen Sei Gan Do". "Beings are innumerable, I vow to save them". When I began practice I’d never seen the Sino-Japanese version of the verse, and we chanted

All beings, without number, I vow to liberate
Endless blind passions, I vow to uproot
Dharma gates, beyond measure, I vow to penetrate
The Great Way of Buddha, I vow to attain

“All beings, without number” seemed redundant – of course all beings could not be counted. This is often misunderstood as a poetic vow to save everything, or to refer to a vast number of beings, like the dizzying multitudes that populate Vedic cosmology. The Sixth Patriarch said "save them in our own minds", but this seemed to refer to some sort of inner mental experience, and didn’t address the real suffering throughout the vast world.  This seems to be a popular way of reading the vows today, at least based on my readings online. There are vast numbers of beings, and delusions, and also Dharma entry points, so the practice of aspiration is to open into that and live as best we can in accord with the teachings and practices, arousing Bodhicitta.

After some years I discovered the Japanese version of the vows, but didn’t connect the MU in each verse to the MU of my zazen.  Once in sesshin the verse “from beginningless greed, hatred, and ignorance” stared through me and the Great Vows started to seem more like the Heart Sutra. “Beginningless” no longer gave rise to the concept of a vast stretch of time.  Sitting more zazen, the depth and transparency of these words hewed more to Bodhidharma’s words than Shantideva’s.

meets the great Buddhist emperor Wu, who asks him, “I have built many temples and ordained many monks. What merit is there in this?” Bodhidharma replies, “None whatsoever.” The emperor then asks, “What is the highest meaning of the ultimate truth?” Bodhidharma answers, “Empty, without holiness.” Astonished, the emperor then asks, “Who is it that faces me?” and Bodhidharma, thrusting home the final arrow, replies, “I don’t know.”

The first half of each verse of the Great Vows makes the point. "Shu Jo Mu Hen" ....NO beings. No thing at all. No passions, no liberation, no gates, no surpassing of them, no boundaries. And yet...we take the vow. After an experience of transparency, or opening, there is a great fragility and the old structures cannot contain the experience. How to step back into the mad world of anger, folly, and the relentless pace of American life? The latter half of each of the vows now seems like a map, something to guide me, not the territory of course but a lodestone to sail the nothing holy sea.

Perhaps a more bony translation would read

No beings/I vow to save them
No blind passions/I vow to abandon them

No Dharma gates/I vow to wake to them
No Buddha Way to go beyond/I vow to embody it

As I’ve learned zazen practice these past 25 years I’ve seen many teachers promote kensho as something that makes us immune to suffering, like an inoculation against identifying with loss and grief. There are people who seem to function like this, slipping into the amoral nihilism that Theravada teachers, and the Vajrayana Lam-Rim practitioners, have cautioned of. Too little grounding in the maps of Shila and overdoses of “without-no-bounds” can leave us stuck, especially if we have an inward bent to our personalities, or a thick skinned type of narcissism. But for me, and others I believe, long practice lowers the walls and defense, and after an experience of no-thing it’s even harder to be in the world, as the pain is very real and unremitting.

When prison canga is iron and has no hole,
(Echu's) followers have neither peace nor rest.
When you intend to uphold the teaching of Zen,
You must climb a mountain of swords with bare feet.

This is agony, sometimes, and unbounded all at once. So we flow into the great nothing holy, no numbers vast or not vast, and follow our guides as we’re able. Zen is not the way of the inner journey, but the cultivation of neither inside nor outside, and no ending of inside and outside. Coming forth from that is no easy realization, and still more difficult as practice. After the structure has collapsed, one must come down from that peak or wither there, while the world cries out still.

American Zen so often seems to collapse in upon itself, realization of no-boundary stopping, like a migrating turtle embayed, at the place where there is only Mu, no-thing, in all directions. I hear people say things like “when I meditate, the whole world is at peace”, as if their own mental state is a barometer for the ten thousand things. Please do not miss the rest of the vow.

This translation, of unknown provenance, has it thus:

The Four Encompassing Vows

Masses [of] creatures, without-bounds,
[I/we] vow to save [them all]

Anxiety [and] hate, [delusive-desires] inexhaustible,
[I/we] vow to break [them all]

Dharma gates beyond-measure
[I/we] vow to learn [them all]

Buddha Way, nothing-higher,
[I/we] vow to accomplish [it]

When I’m struggling with words maps for practice, I try to find the oldest versions of them that I can. I tried to find the etymological roots of this Vow in the early Sutras from Kushana, which were taken to China by monks like Dharmaraksha, Lokaksema, and Kumarajiva in the early centuries of the last millennium. The Lotus Sutra contains the spirit of the Vows, but if there was a Sanskrit or Prakrit original it has not yet been found. It seems to have first become a gatha under the banner of Tien-T’ai Chih-I (538-597), who structured each vow as a response to, and practice pointer for, each of the Four Noble Truths. The first vow addresses the arising of dukkha, the second defilements (kleshas), and so forth. But do not be deceived by the apparent conflict between boundless greed, hatred, and ignorance and the magnitude of the Vows. As some ancient worthy in old Gandhara must have realized, they’re not something we have to accomplish – they’re what we already are. And of course, there is the task of practice. In this era of decontextualizing meditation practice, and jettisoning the ancient aspiration, I find all this very reassuring. 

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Chasing the Way

I don’t remember when I first heard of Buddhism. In a comic called Dr. Strange the protagonist, a prideful surgeon whose injuries force him to give up medicine, goes to Tibet and is trained in “the Mystic Arts”.  As a kid I loved that book, and the Steve Ditko drawings of fortresses in the Himalaya, well before I knew that those places were real.
            In high school I read Hesse’s Siddhartha and realized that the Buddha was a historical figure. I found his personage rather more appealing that the authoritarian and suffering Jesus of my own Midwestern culture, with his demands for obedience and threats of damnation. Growing up in an alcoholic family, in a little town in northern Illinois, I felt damned enough, and full of rage and self-pity. The Buddha of the images seemed to have found a way beyond that.
            I went to college for a couple years, hated it, and dropped out to smoke pot and attempt a music career, which fizzled. In 1986 I went to California to march in an anti-nuclear walk. In my little bag I took a few books, among them the Tao Te Ching and Pirsig’s Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which someone must have recommended to me. By this time I think I had tried a yogic meditation technique of staring into a candle flame, which did not help to ease my growing emotional difficulties. The peace march ended and I returned to Rockford. I tried psychedelics around that time too, taking mescaline in a bar with a high school friend. Quite a ride, and I knew I wanted more of THAT, but in a different setting.
            When I moved to Madison I got it, and for the next three years, with my friend M, I did psychedelics regularly (and even interviewed Timothy Leary for the Badger Herald).  The experiences were almost uniformly wonderful, but the sense of alienation and separation never was entirely erased by the drug state. Coming back to my life in college was always painful, like putting on a suit of armor while trying to sunbathe. I continued to read widely in Buddhist and Zen books, but none of them mentioned meditation practice, or at least not prominently enough that I noticed it. I read all the Alan Watts I could get my hands on, but still felt terrible inside.  In the winter of 1987-88 I finally found the book that would become my roadmap out of that.
            While recuperating from a tonsillectomy I read Peter Matthiessen’s The Snow Leopard. I was awestruck, not only by the content of it, which wove together all the disparate strands of my struggle, but by the clarity of Matthiessen’s prose. I got everyone I knew who would listen to read it, and I knew that I had to begin a Buddhist sitting practice and go to Nepal. And most of all, I needed a teacher.
            The University of Wisconsin had, and has, one of the country’s most extensive Asian studies departments, so I took a couple of classes in Buddhist studies. I found these interesting but unsatisfying, and knew that neither the Tibetan Lama (Geshe Sopa) who taught the Vajrayana class not the Japanese man (Minoru Kyota) who taught Japanese Buddhism were the teachers for me. I delved into the library and found more books that spoke to my search, including Govinda’s Way of the White Clouds and Snellgrove’s Himalayan Pilgrimage. Despite my growing obsession with the Himalayan region, though, I was still drawn to Zen as a practice.
            My friend Jeff and I, needing to complete language requirements to graduate, enrolled in Nepali class. I learned that the UW had a study abroad program in Nepal. For the past few years I had been dating for the first time, and this stirred up a hornet’s nest of disavowed emotion from childhood that overtook me utterly and left me in despair. By the summer of 1989, after a trip to Glacier Park and my first sight of mountains, I knew that things had to change. As I began the study of Nepali I also mostly quit doing drugs, entered psychotherapy, and began attending 12 step meetings for children of alcoholics.
            Jeff, too, shared my fascination with Zen, and one of us found the Madison Zen Center in the phone book. We did not know what it was, really, but we called and were invited to a Monday night orientation in November 1989. I was convinced that they would toss me out immediately, seeing that I was not worthy of the teaching. I boned up on DT Suzuki and Watts to convince them of my seriousness.
            The introduction, or whatever portion of it filtered through my anxiety, was very relaxed and informal. Craig Carver, a senior student of Bodhin Kjolhede, explained the basic postures and practices and gave us a short history of the Madison Zen Center, its parent Center in Rochester, and its founder Roshi Philip Kapleau. We also sat zazen Zazen for a couple periods. It was difficult, but I left the meeting with a kind of high, better than weed, I thought, wrongly comparing meditation to the altered states I had known through drugs. Jeff and I resolved to come back and continue the practice.
            In January I began to attend regularly, and I also sat at home when I did not go to the ZC. I tried an all day sitting and made it through on sheer willpower, my head howling with self-doubt and concepts about Buddhism.
But I had discovered meditation and therapy too late to avert the tidal wave of emotion that then vanquished me, and in February I took an entire bottle of sleeping pills, at night, in the woods far from anyone. I sat down beside a large tree, drank a beer, and waited for the pills to take effect. No one knew I had come there, and I was certain I would not be found until morning.
            As I sat there in the dark I began to panic, and to think. What was I doing? This was a Wednesday night and I could be doing zazen. Was a woman really worth my life? Wasn’t it time to put down this self-hatred and move on? Suddenly roused, I stood up, made myself vomit, and walked a half mile to the nearest bus stop, determined to make it to evening zazen.
            As the bus went east toward the capital building I began to feel dizzy and short of breath. I saw that we were passing by a hospital and I told the driver that I was ill, and to stop. He did, and I ran into the ER as I began to lose consciousness. I put the bottle on the counter and asked the ER staff to save my life. They did.
            After acting out this drama I was somewhat free of despair for the first time in a decade. I broke off contact with my wrathful lover, continued therapy, and sat my first day long sitting mere days after my ordeal. Craig told me that there was a two day sesshin in Chicago the next weekend, and I signed up. I also visited my parents in Minnesota and had an emotional reconciliation with my father, who offered to pay for me to travel to Nepal for the fall semester. I was determined to meet Bodhin Sensei and have him assign me the koan Mu, which I knew of from reading the Three Pillars of Zen. Like my hero Peter Matthiessen, I was going to trek the Himalaya with my own ‘hot iron ball’ in my throat.

            The sesshin, led by Sonja (now Sunya, another of PK’s Dharma heirs) Kjolhede, was agonizing. Each round stretched into what seemed like hours, and I vowed throughout to never do such a thing again. But when the final bell came I was ecstatic and full of purpose, and I asked if I could attend a week long sesshin in Rochester. Sonja said that I could apply, but that one never knows.
            In May I did another weekend sesshin with David Sachter, who is now Lawson Sachter Sensei. I met Bodhin Kjolhede, too, and he told me that it would be fine to come to Rochester for sesshin. I visited the Rochester Center for Vesak first and, while walking to the Buddha hall for a ceremony, I saw Roshi Kapleau walking toward the hall. Stopping him, I asked if he could wait a moment for me to fetch my Three Pillars so he could sign it. We sat on a bench beside the dormitory and he hefted the book. “This is a good copy.” Roshi said. [at around this time copies were published with a cheap newsprint paper, which Roshi subsequently got the publishers to change – my copy was an older paperback]. “It’s good to see you here, Scott.” He inscribed the book and we walked together to the Buddha hall. I never saw him again.
            In July I attended a full sesshin. I had been asking Bodhin to assign me Mu since I met him, and on the fourth day of sesshin he did. Despite, or perhaps because of, my self-conscious ambition to attain kensho the koan held its ground and what I recall mostly is sitting through seven days of relentless kyosaku (the Zen ‘encouragement stick’) whacking and back pain. After sesshin Jeff, my friend John Eich (who had just moved to the Center to train), and I went whooping it up down Arnold Park, to the dismay of many of the somber Zen students.
            In September, against the advice of my therapist, who assured me that it would be too anxiety provoking for me to go to India (too much for his wallet, maybe), I flew to New Delhi determined to visit the holy places of Shakyamuni’s life and go trekking in the Himalaya. It was an astonishing trip, full of wonder and inspiration, and I worked on Mu the entire time. I knew that I had to come back to Nepal and live in those mountains if I could, for though I felt no draw toward Vajrayana practice I felt that, in some way, these mountains were my home.
            I attended Rohatsu sesshin in Rochester and became Bodhin’s formal student in a small ceremony. Inwardly I did not feel ready to do this, but I was not informed until I arrived at sesshin that I would not be allowed to go to dokusan unless I did it, so I went ahead. For the next seven months I attended sesshin regularly, and in July sat through a week of 95 degree heat in my brown robe. On the third day of this sit, during the late morning rounds, I dissolved into Mu, merging completely with the partition in front of me. It was very matter-of-fact, and when I reported to Bodhin what had happened he said it was a “tip of the tongue” taste of kensho. It certainly did not satisfy me, and I moved to the RZC to train full time in September.
            I found the Zen Center to be too rigid for my personality, and the frequent disparaging of other teachers bothered me greatly. Several of the staff were seeing a psychotherapist who had trained in Zen and practiced a style of therapy called Short Term Dynamic (STDP). The combination of intense daily zazen, monthly sesshin, and STDP was very fruitful for me. Many wounds from my childhood were brought to light and somewhat healed. But as I reclaimed parts of my emotional self it became more clear to me that I could not train in Zen in the Kapleau/Kjolhede style, with its frequent talk of the obstructive nature of ‘ego’.
            There were other aspects of the Zen center that I found frighteningly reminiscent of my upbringing. When it was time for a celebration we were strongly encouraged to smile (“this is fun time, FUN, smile!!!!), but immediately at activities’ end a dour grimness was enforced. People who claimed to have attained transcendence of “ego delusion” exhibited wounded, aggressive behavior that resulted in deep shaming of staff. And, most disturbingly, persons who had experienced kensho were given power and privilege to ‘correct’ those who had not at any time, and in virtually any manner, short of physical and sexual violence, without accountability.  Such actions, when brought to the attention of the teacher and his disciples, were invariably explained away as being for the benefit of the student, and stories of the old masters receiving rough treatment as precursor to kensho were regularly invoked.
            I left Rochester and returned to Madison, intent on joining the Peace Corps. I moved into the Madison Zen Center, a Rochester affiliate where I hoped to continue practice in a way that also gave me freedom from the dictates of the RZC. But in the fall of 1992 a senior student of Bodhin’s, and the group leader in Madison, declared that “it was a mistake for [you] to leave Rochester” and that he would “continue my training” to rid me of my “enormous displays of ego”. This was his duty, he said, based upon his “attained level of insight.” When I protested to Bodhin that this man was not someone whom I trusted as teacher, Bodhin wrote to me explaining the man’s good intentions and awakened state, while acknowledging that he may have gone too far (about six months later, after conflicts with many others in the Madison sangha, he was told to take a one year leave from leadership duties). I was shocked by what seemed to be a cultic denial of aggression and moved to Minnesota, where I finished the Peace Corps application process, sat zazen regularly at the Minnesota Zen Center, and, after being contacted by Peace Corps in April 1993, waited to depart for Nepal.
            When I began Zen practice I wrote to Peter Matthiessen, and wrote again a few more times over the years. He always graciously replied, and now, as I prepared to go live in Nepal, he invited me to Sagaponack to practice for a few days and meet him in dokusan. I met my hero at last and told him about Rochester and the harsh treatment I received there. He said, “well, Pai-Chang got his leg broken, but if someone tried to do that to me, I’d say, ‘you break my leg, you son of a bitch, and I’ll break yours.’” After zenkai we went for a walk around the premises of his house in Sagaponack, and Muryo Sensei (now Muryo Roshi) identified the migrating birds for me. It seemed that he gave me the blessing of an elder, and he encouraged me to sit with Mu while in the Himalaya. I was astonished and thrilled to be going to live in Nepal, with a koan practice blessed by Peter Matthiessen.
            In September 1993 I became a Peace Corps trainee and went to Nepal to live and work. I hoped to be posted in the high Himalaya and, after training, I was assigned to the village of Kunjo-Taglung in the Annapurna region of southern Mustang district. I took with me Robert Aitken Roshi’s translation and commentary on the Wumenkuan. Although the cases remained opaque, I hoped to use the commentaries for inspiration during the two years of my stay.
            It seemed strange to many I met during those years that I continued to do a Zen practice while having access to so many wonderful Vajrayana teachers. At times it seemed strange to me too, but not often. I found the farmers, traders, and herders of the Himalaya more inspiring than the monks thereabouts, many of whom seemed pompous and spoiled to me.
            For the year of 1994 I was the happiest I had ever been, despite frequent dysentery and the hardships of mountain life. Each weekend I walked fifteen miles each way for my mail, meeting the other PC volunteer in the area (David Donsky) to talk and debrief. In my haste on those walks I would speed past an old woman at a tea stall overlooking the Kali Gandaki. “Hey babu (little boy),” she cried, “where are you going in such a hurry?”
            On a bright September morning I shaved, as usual, atop my house and looked south toward Dhaulagiri. Feeling irritable and a bit ill, I swatted a fly and knocked it into a basin of water. Without pause, my host family sister Lobsang, bent over to spread fresh mud on the roof, reached into the water and set the fly on a stone where it would dry out. She worked all day to care for me and so many others, but there was no gap or hesitation when she was needed to save a fly. I did not recall hearing about the virtues of humility in my Zen training (though I did hear of the value of public humiliation), but I would remember Lobsang’s example.
            My Peace Corps service ended nine months prematurely when I was discharged for asthma, which developed as a result of exposure to unknown toxins in Kathmandu. Leaving early devastated me, but my lover gave me great support and, after visiting the Everest area and saying farewell to Nepal, I returned to America eager to begin graduate school and resume Zen training formally. But the Lo-ba of Nepal remained in my heart as the greatest bearers of the Dharma I ever knew.
            My partner and I decided to settle in Portland, Oregon. I knew that Jan Chozen Bays, an heir of Maezumi Roshi and thus kindred to Matthiessen, was there, and I was eager to fly to California to sit with John Tarrant. In New York I had read (and discreetly circulated) Tarrant’s essay ‘Soul in Zen’, which deepened my understanding of the callous behavior I had seen in Rochester. John Eich gave me Tarrant Roshi’s phone number and I was invited to sesshin in Santa Rosa, California.
            In dokusan Tarrant checked my responses to several of the koans, and told me to keep working on Mu. He also said that another of Aitken Roshi’s senior students, Jack Duffy, was an apprentice teacher in Seattle. But I liked John and decided to keep going to Santa Rosa as much as I could to see him. I did go to meet Jack in March of 1996 at Indianola, WA. Jack tested me on Mu too, and gave me another koan to sit with: How do you make Mt. Rainier take three steps?
            At sesshin in Santa Rosa in June 1996 we sat in a long narrow room that reminded the tanto, David Weinstein, of Yamada Roshi’s zendo in Kamakura. Late in the morning on the third day, the bell softly rang to begin a round of zazen. I exhaled Mu and dissolved into the bell, which resonated Mu. For an instant there was no ‘I’, and when after a moment my sense of sitting on the mat returned I could not suppress a laugh. Everything in my life, even the violence of my childhood, was perfection beyond perfection and could not have been otherwise.
            At dokusan Tarrant confirmed that I had experienced a “tip of the tongue taste”, but he would not work on other koans with me since I was not his student. I returned to Portland and entered graduate school, a dark period of sporadic zazen, a painful breakup with my lover, and long hours in class with enraged postmodern narcissists. I went to sit with John again but I knew I wanted to stay in the Pacific Northwest, so in January 98 I went to sesshin with Jack Duffy. I was certain that I would become his student but I was not ready, having parted from Tarrant and knowing that I would soon return to the Himalaya.
            In the summer and fall of 1998 I was able to visit Tibet. I journeyed to Mt. Kailas and walked the pilgrim trail, and came at last by long roads to the citadel of Tsaparang, the Palace of the Moon that I had read of so many years before. I climbed past clay Buddhas and through a secret tunnel and emerged at the top. After doing zazen I looked to the Sutlej river flowing south and wished I could follow it, past the guarded border between India and occupied Tibet.
            In America I became Jack Duffy’s student in January of 1999. He tested me on Mu but my responses felt flat and devoid of vitality. Jack encouraged me to attend sesshin with his teacher Robert Aitken, so I booked a ticket to Hawaii for the 1999 Rohatsu sesshin. In dokusan with Aitken Roshi, whose writings had inspired me for over ten years, responses to the Mu checkpoints flowed freely and seemed to come from some distant place I did not understand. The Roshi said there was “no doubt about it – you have a genuine inkling into Mu.” He asked me when this insight had happened and I told him about the bell in California. We worked through several more Mu checkpoints that sesshin, and in the summer of 2000 Jack and I continued the process. Mt. Rainier took three steps and Puget Sound stood still. I went to Hawaii again in December of that year and Aitken Roshi assigned me the Sound of One Hand koan, which often comes after Mu in the Harada-Yasutani curriculum.

            It is now over three years later and I continue to work on the koan curriculum with Jack Duffy, though I often sit shikantaza too. Often the old cases are opaque but, after a few hours or days of zazen, the smoke clears and they stand forth whole and unimpeded. Coming forth, always already perfect, just as they are, just as I am, in this first, last, and only moment.

February 2004

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Reply to John and more

Thanks John for the thoughtful post. I recall once we were discussing, in the context of therapists, that interventions must be carefully weighed to discern if the intervention is serving the therapists' needs or the clients'. We're making empirical progress on this front in therapy, with outcome measures to track clients perceptions and alter the modality based on client feedback. This is all to the good.

And I agree that it's not charisma itself that's the issue. Classical psychodynamics teaches us that the narcissist has often suffered a profound wound, and the personality compensates by declaring its specialness. I fear that, deep down in the murk of the unconscious,  the charismatic/wounded teacher, to maintain the illusion of being special, pressures the student to maintain them in the guru role. This is obviously true in groups that go off the reservation, so to speak, like the Rajneeshies or followers of Da Free John (Adi Da, etc). These teachers clearly - to my eye at least - have some authentic realization of the non-dual, but ultimately couldn't put the guru role down enough for their students to claim their own light.

You mention the trust issue. I never did see anywhere that Shakyamuni said "you can't trust yourself", but do you recall how often we were told this at ZenWorld? It was practically in the (admittedly delicious) soup. This was a big part of my choice to leave there and go to Asia to work and study, and to seek the Diamond Sangha when I came back. I remain grateful for the training back there that got me started, but once I was ready to move toward claiming sparks of my own light I could not stay. There's a koan about this in the Miscellaneous Koans that goes:

In the sea of Ise
Ten thousand feet down
Lies a single stone
I wish to pick up that stone 
without wetting my hands

The top line is a signature....

Another guest post, this one from John Eich

 John and I began zen practice together in 1989, and in a deep sense I have always had the feeling he and I are in it together, though he does not sit formally with a sangha these days. He's grounded in Buddhism and the shamanic traditions of Central America, and is also skilled at baking the small French baguettes known as Batards. His post was a comment below but I like it so much I wanted to mark it up before replying.

If we're calling charisma a combination of eloquence and personal magnetism, I'm not sure that charisma by itself is the problem. The work of shifting our consciousness is often difficult, and boring, and painful, and if the teacher has some quality that makes them attractive, then that can keep us coming back to the work when instincts pull us away. Many a time I've been simmering in my own suffering during sesshin, and been very grateful for the lift provided by a rousing, inspirational exhortation.

I think your friend's implied point though is that there is the suspicion that a charismatic teacher might use that power to further a personal agenda, one which is not in the student's best interest. Sadly, discerning ethics is much harder than charisma. But, as you point out (and echo Jung), I think the truth is that every teacher has some level of personal agenda, some measure of shadow. So if part of the teacher's shadow involves their ability to influence others, the important question is how bad is it? Bright light, dark shadow...brilliant light, engulfing shadow. Does the fire warm, or burn?

Our shadow here is also key to this equation. We have to ask ourselves why a charismatic teacher gives us the willies. "I don't like feeling hypnotized by someone" or "it isn't healthy for someone to have that kind of sway over me" is another way of saying "I don't trust myself" (not to become a groupie, not to take bad advice and make poor decisions, etc).

I think it comes down to an honest assessment of our strengths and wounds, and how they match or don't match those of the teacher. Perhaps it's useful to look at how we fall in love. If we have a tendency to get swept away and hand over power to another, then that's probably how we'll approach our relationship with a sprititual teacher. If so, then best to stay away from the stronger magnets. But, if we're naturally resistant to others' influence (which has equal drawbacks), then blacksmithing next to the forge might turn out ok. :)